"Ask Maryln"

Hard to Handle Preschoolers

2009-04-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Maryln,

I really could use your help!!! I have been to alot of your seminars which deal with behavior problems in children. To no avail, nothing is working with a 4 year old we have. He is 4 years old, 75 pounds and has the mentality of a 2 year old. He throws tantrums over not putting his shoes on, not wanting to do his school work (which is 2 papers of the letter of the week). He throws chairs, moves furniture, throws his shoes and screams and lashes out at everyone. He is a constant disruption in the classroom. We have done the good deed chart (it worked for about 2 weeks). He doesn't eat healthy at school at all if he eats at all. I have spoken with his parents a lot regarding his behavior. His latest episode consisted of throwing his shoes at anyone who asked him to put them on and in a blink of an eye he picked up a 3-hole puncher and threw it at a parent's leg. I called the parents and said he will need to go home (this happened at 9:00 a.m.). The father had a few choice words to say to me like what do you want me to do put him for adoption? I was set back by this. He further went on to say that this will probably cost his wife her job and it will put them in financial disarray. I don't believe this is a situation that should be put on me and my teachers. I strongly believe that they should step up to the plate and teach their child discipline, and I even suggested professional help. My main concern is for all the children, teachers and parents to come into my facility and know they will be safe and not get hurt. However; it is getting increasingly difficult to have this when this child is in attendance with his parents not wanting to discipline their child. They seem to be afraid to. They have even carried this child into the pre-school like a baby! I am going to let them BORROW your book "No more battles with strong-willed children". I'm also going to inform them of your next seminar in my town.

Anonymous

My reply:

Dear Anonymous,

First, I want to say that your letter asking for help shows how much you care about this child. It sounds like you have given him so much.
I think it is good that you gave the parents my book. I hope it helps.

I would recommend setting a time line for the parents to get help for their child, and if this does not occur, then the child has to be removed from your center. (This is only if you believe that the child is not a present danger to other children in your care. If you think the child is or may be dangerous to other children, then it is not in the best interest of those children to keep the child.)

I feel really badly for the boy. I believe that all children need structure, boundaries, and love. This all takes time, patience, strength, and lots of love all within a strong framework of limits. You might also want to recommend my book, How to Talk to Kids so They Listen, and How to Handle Hard to Handle Preschoolers to them. They can get both books on our web site. It will not be enough to just read the books, but they will have to implement a plan too and then follow through.

Feel free to have the parents contact me.
Best wishes, and thank all of your staff for their patience with this child from me.

Maryln

2008-11-21T09:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Maryln,
I operate a home based pre-K. There is a student in my class (4 yrs old) that constantly acts up, for example: spitting at me, hitting me with toys, doing the complete opposite of whatever I say, etc. The problem is whenever I bring the subject up to mom, instead of talking to her/ disciplining her, she constantly makes excuses for her (in front of the child). I feel like I am not getting through! She either says that she's not feeling well, she has had a busy week, she was with her dad for a few days, etc. What can I do to get her to realize that there is no excuse for a child hitting or spitting at a teacher? Where has respect for teachers gone??? When is enough enough? I'm not sure how much more I can take. I don’t want the other children to start thinking this behavior is acceptable!
Anonymous

Hi,
I believe that enough is enough when you feel that you are neglecting the other children and you have exhausted all of the strategies that you know to help the child. I will say that there are ways to help children even when their parents do not cooperate. I have found that children can learn totally new behaviors that they use at their child care or in their school, and use the old ones at home. Here are some strategies to try before you decide that enough is enough.
1. Find a way to connect with the child. The more you connect, the less you correct.
2. When the child acts out, you “act in.” Act in a way that role models new behavior for the child. Stay calm. Use a low voice. Be firm but caring.
3. See if there is a pattern for when the child misbehaves. Is there a set time of day or something that happens first? If you find a pattern, break the pattern. Redirect the child toward new activities before the inappropriate behavior can happen.
5. Remember always that if you do not help the child, there might not be someone else who will help. It sounds like the parent won’t help, and it does sound like you care so much.
4. Find something the child loves to do, and build on it. Reinforce all appropriate behavior.
5. Remember always that if you do not help the child, there might not be someone else who will help. It sounds like the parent won’t help, and it does sound like you care so much.

Maryln

Chatter

2008-10-22T06:04:00.000-07:00

I am a substitute teacher and would like to know how to stop chatter in the classroom along with how to handle disrespectful students.
J. in Connecticut

Hi J.
The first thing that you have to do as a substitute is take charge of the classroom. Students will try and get away with inappropriate behavior when there is a substitute. I recommend that you develop a "strategy" for every time you go into a new classroom. For example, carry a bright colored poster that says, "Silence." Tell the student that when you hold up the sign, they are to all become silent. Use the 2-hand rule. Anytime a student wants to answer a question, they raise one hand, and put several fingers over their lips at the same time as a reminder to not blurt out while waiting for you to call on them. Above all, have fun. Your enthusiasm is more contagious than a cold.
I have a whole chapter in the book, How to Handle Hard to Handle Students on students who are disruptive. You can go to our web site to order this book, http://lintel.atiseminars.org/store/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=551&myrand=45011
Have a great day. And don't give up.
Maryln

Re: Bullies

2008-10-17T13:38:00.001-07:00

Dear Jenna,

That is a very traumatic thing that happened to your son.

Here are some tips: 1. Be sure to report this. Those boys will probably do it again to either your son or others if they get away with it. 2. Make sure your son is not alone coming home anymore after tutoring. Bullies often go after the same victims over and over again. 3. It might be a good thing to enroll your son in karate or some other self-defense class that builds confidence and poise. 4. Make sure your son knows he didn’t do anything wrong. It was not his fault.

Maryln

On Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 3:34 PM, reenielb@yahoo wrote:

Dear Maryln,

My son was attacked at school yesterday when he was coming home after school
late because he had stayed for tutoring. Two older boys from a nearby high
school came and asked him if he had a cell phone. He told them he didn't.
They walked away and one came back and hit him in the face. He is in middle
school and is an honor student. Kids don't have to be bad for something bad
to happen to them. What do I do for my son?

Jenna

Should children be kicked out of preschool?

2008-10-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

Please click on the title above and then on Post a Comment to ask a question or post your comment on this or any other topic.
Just "Ask Maryln."

Helping after a Tragedy

2008-09-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Maryln,

Our students went through the hurricane and are returning to school. Do you have any suggestions I may share with my students? Thanks for all your ideas.

P.K.

Dear P.K.,

I think the best thing is to know that some of them may still be in shock. I have seen adults who are in shock. It was a frightening experience, and even more so, for children.

They will take their attitudes from you, so be reassuring. Talk about the positives that happened as a result of the hurricane. Get them to tell their stories of people helping others.

Let them share their feelings. It always helps to know others felt the same way too. But always end on a positive note on how safe the children are in your classroom, and how much you care, and the good things that happened too as a result of the hurricane.

Be patient with some children who take longer to get into the routine.
Provide lots of structure during this time when there has been so little structure because of the hurricane.

Best wishes.
Maryln

Too serious child

2008-09-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

Marilyn and Marty,

I'm e-mailing you for a bit of advice. I have a little girl in my pre-k class who has been raised as a little adult. She has absolutely no idea how to act like a child or even interact with a child. She says things that I would say about things and can't bring herself to play with the other children. When she is with another child she aproaches it as an adult child situation. I'm wondering if maybe you have some advice that might help me help this little girl.

CL

Dear CL,

There are several reasons that she may be the way she is. She may be very bright, and see things on a different level. She may by nature be a serious type child. She may be an only child and used to carrying on adult type conversations with her family. It does not matter the reason. I believe that we all need to let the “child” in us out to play.

Here are some things you can do:

Provide lots of opportunities for play.
Allow her to move in to those activities at her own pace.
Pair her with another child, a “play buddy,” for an activity each day.
Take time to connect with her one-to-one on her level and find ways to let your own joy and fun come out a bit during those times.
Have lots of fun teaching.
Your own enthusiasm is more contagious than a cold!

Best wishes,
Maryln

Teacher Burn-Out

2008-09-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Maryln,

I am a teacher that has gone above and beyond with children for many years. Today I am BURNED OUT. I love what I do but I am exhausted. Do you have ideas for me?

K.J.

Hi K.C.,

If you are burned out, it means you are not taking enough good care of yourself. Make sure to do something wonderful for yourself at least once an hour--it can be something as simple as looking at a photo of someone you love, singing a fun song with the children, finding something fun to laugh about. In the evening take some time to have a gratitude list in which you write all the great things in your life for which you are grateful. That will get you focused back on the good in your life. On the week-end, take time to fill up and do something good for you!!!

Best wishes,
Maryln

Taking Charge of the Classroom

2008-09-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Maryln,

I am having a terrible time with my students. They never listen to me. Help!!!

Nona G.

Dear Nona,

The first step in taking charge is your entire demeanor. Your posture has to say, "I expect you to listen." Your voice has to be the same. I like to suggest talking into a tape player or in front of a mirror and then asking yourself, "Would I listen to me if I were the children?" Keep doing it until you WOULD LISTEN. The secret is all in your voice. It needs to be LOW, and deep. Practice, practice, practice.

When you speak to the children, never yell across the room. Walk over to students to tell them what you need.

There is one other thing in regard to your voice. It is really your magical tool. Make it interesting to listen to you. Be dramatic when you speak.
And above all, be enthusiastic and fun. Your enthusiasm is more contagious than a cold!

All the best,
Maryln Appelbaum

Gender Identity Disorder

2008-09-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Maryln,

I have a little boy in my child care program that enjoys dressing up with the girls. I have provided ties and shirts fire hats, and construction hats, but he likes the dresses. His parents are very concerned. He asks me if he looks beautiful. Please advise!

Geri

Hi Geri,

We know now that there are children who have what is called Gender Identity Disorder. I am not sure if that’s the case here. These are children who are born in the body of a boy or girl but who clearly identify themselves with the opposite sex. I don’t know if that is the case with this boy or if he is just doing it to get attention. Sometimes, like with naughty words, the more attention that is paid to something, the more strongly it is done by the child.

Regardless of the cause, it is very important that he does not receive any negative attention for it. That could have serious consequences for him later in life. It could affect his self-esteem. If he does have this disorder, he cannot help himself. He needs what all children need, lots of love and positive strokes.

Best wishes,
Maryln

Sharing Maryln's Thought of the Day

2008-09-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

Hi Maryln,

I love your quotes and look forward to reading them and sharing with other teachers. Is it OK to send some of your quotes to our newsletter for teachers so they too can benefit?

Elaine S.

Hi Elaine,

Yes, please feel free to pass them on to all the people you want. Just always add my name as the source and our company name and web site.
Actually, the next time you see the members of your association, give them all a big thumbs up and hi from me for the important work they do for children. Together, we all make a difference, and can and will make this world a better place.

All the best,
Maryln

Teens

2008-09-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Maryln,

I work in a residential treatment program for elementary through teenaged children. Do you have any advice for how to handle teenagers? God bless you and your ministry.

Sr. Mary Catherine

Hi Sister Mary Catherine,

Did you know that in some countries there is no teen rebellion? They don't know they are "supposed to rebel" so they don't.

The same important measures that work for younger children also work for teens. They need consistency, routine, love, involvement, wisdom, fun. The difference is that they need adults who understand that they are starting to want to think for themselves. They are beginning to define their futures, and they need open-minds in listening to them and gentle guidance helping them, and lots of positive reinforcement for the things they do well.

The book How to Talk to Kids so They Listen, that I wrote, works for all ages. You can get it at our Teacher Boutique on our web site, www.atiseminars.org.

Have an awesome day.
Maryln

Student Who Gets Violent

2008-09-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Maryln,

I work with a child who loves to get violent with everyone. He punches, slaps, kicks, and when he is throwing a temper tantrum he throws his chair or whatever he can get his hands on. He also cusses and spits in my face when I am trying to talk to him. I'm pretty sure his mom pretty much lets him do whatever he wants. I’d have talked to his mom about how he acts, but all she did was laugh and say "Yes I know my son is bad. We are doing the best we can.” Are there any tips you can give me that might help him and us, because I would really appreciate all the help I can get.

Tammy E.

Dear Tammy,

I have had many children over the years whose parents did not want to get involved. It is hard. There are some things you can do.

First, find something that he likes to do, something that captures his interest. When he is happily engaged in the behavior, reinforce this appropriate behavior.

Secondly, take time every day to have one-on-one time to just get to know him. Let him do the talking. This is not a time for discipline, just a time for connection. The more you connect, often the less you correct. It only has to be two or three minutes, but it is your time together every day so the bond gets built.

Third, ask him what he can do to remember to behave appropriately. It is amazing how students will come up with answers.

Fourth, talk about his positive characteristics. He may think he is bad. If he thinks he is bad, he will act the part. Talk to him about the characteristics he has that are positive.

Fifth, do not give up hope. You are wise to try and help him now. That is soooo fine!

All the best,
Maryln