Hard to Handle Preschoolers

Dear Maryln,

I really could use your help!!! I have been to alot of your seminars which deal with behavior problems in children. To no avail, nothing is working with a 4 year old we have. He is 4 years old, 75 pounds and has the mentality of a 2 year old. He throws tantrums over not putting his shoes on, not wanting to do his school work (which is 2 papers of the letter of the week). He throws chairs, moves furniture, throws his shoes and screams and lashes out at everyone. He is a constant disruption in the classroom. We have done the good deed chart (it worked for about 2 weeks). He doesn't eat healthy at school at all if he eats at all. I have spoken with his parents a lot regarding his behavior. His latest episode consisted of throwing his shoes at anyone who asked him to put them on and in a blink of an eye he picked up a 3-hole puncher and threw it at a parent's leg. I called the parents and said he will need to go home (this happened at 9:00 a.m.). The father had a few choice words to say to me like what do you want me to do put him for adoption? I was set back by this. He further went on to say that this will probably cost his wife her job and it will put them in financial disarray. I don't believe this is a situation that should be put on me and my teachers. I strongly believe that they should step up to the plate and teach their child discipline, and I even suggested professional help. My main concern is for all the children, teachers and parents to come into my facility and know they will be safe and not get hurt. However; it is getting increasingly difficult to have this when this child is in attendance with his parents not wanting to discipline their child. They seem to be afraid to. They have even carried this child into the pre-school like a baby! I am going to let them BORROW your book "No more battles with strong-willed children". I'm also going to inform them of your next seminar in my town.

Anonymous

My reply:

Dear Anonymous,

First, I want to say that your letter asking for help shows how much you care about this child. It sounds like you have given him so much.
I think it is good that you gave the parents my book. I hope it helps.

I would recommend setting a time line for the parents to get help for their child, and if this does not occur, then the child has to be removed from your center. (This is only if you believe that the child is not a present danger to other children in your care. If you think the child is or may be dangerous to other children, then it is not in the best interest of those children to keep the child.)

I feel really badly for the boy. I believe that all children need structure, boundaries, and love. This all takes time, patience, strength, and lots of love all within a strong framework of limits. You might also want to recommend my book, How to Talk to Kids so They Listen, and How to Handle Hard to Handle Preschoolers to them. They can get both books on our web site. It will not be enough to just read the books, but they will have to implement a plan too and then follow through.

Feel free to have the parents contact me.
Best wishes, and thank all of your staff for their patience with this child from me.

Maryln

Dear Maryln,
I operate a home based pre-K. There is a student in my class (4 yrs old) that constantly acts up, for example: spitting at me, hitting me with toys, doing the complete opposite of whatever I say, etc. The problem is whenever I bring the subject up to mom, instead of talking to her/ disciplining her, she constantly makes excuses for her (in front of the child). I feel like I am not getting through! She either says that she's not feeling well, she has had a busy week, she was with her dad for a few days, etc. What can I do to get her to realize that there is no excuse for a child hitting or spitting at a teacher? Where has respect for teachers gone??? When is enough enough? I'm not sure how much more I can take. I don’t want the other children to start thinking this behavior is acceptable!
Anonymous

Hi,
I believe that enough is enough when you feel that you are neglecting the other children and you have exhausted all of the strategies that you know to help the child. I will say that there are ways to help children even when their parents do not cooperate. I have found that children can learn totally new behaviors that they use at their child care or in their school, and use the old ones at home. Here are some strategies to try before you decide that enough is enough.
1. Find a way to connect with the child. The more you connect, the less you correct.
2. When the child acts out, you “act in.” Act in a way that role models new behavior for the child. Stay calm. Use a low voice. Be firm but caring.
3. See if there is a pattern for when the child misbehaves. Is there a set time of day or something that happens first? If you find a pattern, break the pattern. Redirect the child toward new activities before the inappropriate behavior can happen.
5. Remember always that if you do not help the child, there might not be someone else who will help. It sounds like the parent won’t help, and it does sound like you care so much.
4. Find something the child loves to do, and build on it. Reinforce all appropriate behavior.
5. Remember always that if you do not help the child, there might not be someone else who will help. It sounds like the parent won’t help, and it does sound like you care so much.

Maryln

Chatter

I am a substitute teacher and would like to know how to stop chatter in the classroom along with how to handle disrespectful students.
J. in Connecticut

Hi J.
The first thing that you have to do as a substitute is take charge of the classroom. Students will try and get away with inappropriate behavior when there is a substitute. I recommend that you develop a "strategy" for every time you go into a new classroom. For example, carry a bright colored poster that says, "Silence." Tell the student that when you hold up the sign, they are to all become silent. Use the 2-hand rule. Anytime a student wants to answer a question, they raise one hand, and put several fingers over their lips at the same time as a reminder to not blurt out while waiting for you to call on them. Above all, have fun. Your enthusiasm is more contagious than a cold.
I have a whole chapter in the book, How to Handle Hard to Handle Students on students who are disruptive. You can go to our web site to order this book, http://lintel.atiseminars.org/store/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=551&myrand=45011
Have a great day. And don't give up.
Maryln

Re: Bullies

Dear Jenna,

That is a very traumatic thing that happened to your son.

Here are some tips: 1. Be sure to report this. Those boys will probably do it again to either your son or others if they get away with it. 2. Make sure your son is not alone coming home anymore after tutoring. Bullies often go after the same victims over and over again. 3. It might be a good thing to enroll your son in karate or some other self-defense class that builds confidence and poise. 4. Make sure your son knows he didn’t do anything wrong. It was not his fault.

Maryln

On Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 3:34 PM, reenielb@yahoo wrote:

Dear Maryln,

My son was attacked at school yesterday when he was coming home after school
late because he had stayed for tutoring. Two older boys from a nearby high
school came and asked him if he had a cell phone. He told them he didn't.
They walked away and one came back and hit him in the face. He is in middle
school and is an honor student. Kids don't have to be bad for something bad
to happen to them. What do I do for my son?

Jenna

Should children be kicked out of preschool?

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